Daily Dialogues

Ever since I was 15, I’ve felt wrong, like I’m different from everybody around me and I can’t relate to anyone. I have a feeling that there are others who feel the same way so if you have epilepsy and you can’t find anybody to relate to, this is for you.

Epilepsy has completely changed my life. I look at the world with a more nervous and paranoid perspective, as if anything can set me off. I wasn’t always this way.

I used to be able to walk with purpose.

I used to be comfortable in bed. Now, since I feel the worst at night, I always have a sense of unease in the back of my mind.

I used to need both silence and complete darkness to go to sleep. Now I have to focus on some kind of noise and complete darkness scares me. Even the darkness I currently sleep in.

I used to love daydreaming. Now I fear getting stuck in my head and losing consciousness.

Thankfully, my life has gotten better. It’s been five years since I’ve had to dig myself out of my lowest point and it’s been one year since I finally got medication that helps, but that little fear never goes away. I can’t help but think that my medication doesn’t make things better. It just makes things less bad. Having any epileptic symptoms is horrible so having fewer is only less bad. I know that this is a very cynical look things, but it’s hard to be optimistic with epilepsy.

The best thing I can do is move forward and tell remind myself that “less bad” is a good thing. I’m not as paranoid as I was at my worst and I feel more comfortable. I’ve always had trouble with self reflection, but becoming comfortable with yourself is an important step in making life better instead of staying less bad.